Tears. Life. Love.

Since January, I’ve attended three weddings. As the vows are being exchanged, my eyes become moist and I find myself fighting back tears. It’s true, I tear up easily, but there are true emotions behind the tears I shed during weddings. Why?

Jealousy? No – I’m too young to get married. Happiness? I’m happy that my friends have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, but I don’t think that’s why I cry. Honestly, I don’t know why I get tears in my eyes. One thing that I do know is that weddings always remind me that I’m single and have been for a long time. Too long perhaps?

I’m 25 years old and have never been in a long term relationship and have never been in love. I blame it on my lifestyle. Basically, I’m selfish. Although the word “selfish” usually has a negative connotation, I see it as something positive. I’ve always been determined. Determined to find what it is I’m passionate about, determined to live my life to the fullest and determined to make a life for myself.

I’m evolving everyday. I’m not the person I was yesterday and I’m not the person I’ll be tomorrow. I’m constantly on the move. I’ve spent my twenties exploring the world. I need to figure out who I am before I open myself up and become “attached” to someone.

Some people spend their entire adult lives attached to a significant other. When one relationship dissolves, they soon find themselves entangled in another one. I have no right to judge the way others live their lives, but I do think that it’s important to know who you are. The only way to accomplish this is to take time to explore. Alone.

Through exploration, you’ll figure out what you like, what you don’t like, what your passions are and what you want to accomplish in life. Some people have no desire to explore. They have a job that makes good money, live in a nice neighborhood, have quality friends and a mate that they love. I’d venture to guess that person described above doesn’t truly know who they are. I’m not going to pretend to understand why they’re content. I’m obviously not that person.

I’m constantly finding new opportunities and packing up my oversized backpack and sturdy suitcase. I’m a minimalist. I don’t collect stuff and feel genuinely guilty when I come across clothes that I rarely wear. At this moment, my life is portable. The saying, “You’re young, now is the time to do these things,” couldn’t be truer. But, I’m beginning to wonder – am I missing my chance at love by being too consumed in my own life?

I just spent seven months living in New York and didn’t go on a single date. I wasn’t in the mindset. I never went out searching for a guy. New York is full of gorgeous, intelligent and amazing men but I had blinders on and had no desire to break into the dating scene. I moved to New York for me; I couldn’t afford to let a guy get in the way of figuring out my life’s path. As a result, I now have a clear view of what I want to do with my life and what I’m doing next. As for a mate…I have a fairly good idea of who I’m looking for, it just hasn’t been the right time yet.

Being in the right mind frame is important. So is timing. If it’s bad timing, the mind can’t fully commit, neither can the heart.

If I’m constantly leaping from one place to the next, how can my heart and mind remain in the present and be open to exploring a relationship? How can a healthy relationship be maintained if both people are still figuring out who they are? How can I expect the other person to trust that I’m committed? More importantly, how can any conclusion be reached if neither side truly expresses how they feel? How can I wish for a long term relationship if I’m incapable of expressing my feelings? I have no problem writing what I feel; it’s the speaking that gets me choked up.

I crush. A lot. Crushing is innocent. Feelings aren’t expressed. I’m beginning to think I like the chase more than I like the actual prospect of a relationship. This isn’t how I want it to be but I think the situation has repeated itself because I just haven’t come across the right guy or it wasn't the right moment. I’ve dated guys but I always find something wrong, or the relationship switches to friend mode, or never goes past it.

Where’s the guy who is just as into figuring out himself as he is figuring out who we can be together?

Where’s the guy who searches for adventure, is passionate about life and who loves engaging in intellectual conversations?

Where’s the guy whose day is made better by a trip to the beach, who loves exploring nature and who has no problem telling me what he’s thinking?

Where’s the guy who makes my whole body smile?

I have no answers. I can only hope that once I have a secure handle on who I am and where my life is, everything will fall into place. I’m closer than I was a year ago, but I’m not quite “there” yet.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue evaluating my life and wiping the tears from my eyes as I listen to vows being exchanged at the numerous weddings that I will undoubtedly be attending in the near future.